1. Take your Phone with you
When you are in a meeting with your colleagues, make sure you have your phone with you so that you can answer it. Remember, that PPI isn’t going to claim itself, and you still haven’t had a call about that car accident you were in four years ago. It will be any day now!
The more times it buzzes on the desk, the more important you will look. People will feel honoured that you have given your time to be there. Be sure to check your messages every four to five minutes to make sure you don’t miss those memes in the group chats, or that special offer text from your local pizza delivery company.
When it rings, be sure to answer it in front of everyone, exclaiming that you are in a meeting and cannot talk. This will make the caller realise that you are in an important meeting, and make everyone in the meeting realise that you are too cool to let your calls go to voicemail. For added impact, stride out of the room whilst talking. This will allow you to make another grand entrance after you have finished chatting.
2. Have a Picnic
If your meeting is going to be longer than 45 minutes, you’re going to need some sustenance. Take a sandwich. Perhaps some crisps and a flask of tea. You don’t want to die of starvation or thirst while you are there. If it’s around lunch time, heat your curry up and take it in with you – people will enjoy the fragrance that gets churned around the air con system.
Just don’t forget to take some gum for you to have afterwards. You can’t look disinterested in what’s going on without rolling around a ball of gum in your wide-open mouth and squelching it between your teeth.
3. Do your Hair
The more hairstyles you can have during a meeting, the better. Up in a ponytail, and then let it all down loose. Then put it into a bun and stick your pen through it. Once you realise you need your pen, you have another opportunity to fashion something else, like a plait. Just be careful not to ping your hair tie across the room. People might notice that, especially if you are on a video conference.
4. Write some Emails
Chances are you are too important to be in the meeting in the first place so why not catch up on a few emails while you are there. It will show everyone else that you have better things to do than talk to all of them. It also means that your phone will buzz a lot as people start replying to you – cementing your position as the most important person in the room.
5. Interrupt People
No-one has anything more important to say than you – so make sure you say it. If you think someone is going to say something you disagree with, interrupt them and correct it before they get chance to say it. They will appreciate not looking stupid by saying the wrong thing in front of everyone.
6. Be Late Starting and Overrun
Make sure you are the last person to enter the room. This shows that you are better than everyone else there.
Who cares what commitments other people have. They might have a meeting straight after this one – never mind! They will probably have their phone with them so can email them to reschedule before you have finished talking.
By keeping everyone in the room until you are ready to let them leave shows that you are the boss and that they should do as you say.
7. Go off on a Tangent
When you have lots of people in a room together, there is no better time to start talking about other areas of the company which need fixing.
If you are in a finance meeting, make sure to start telling everyone about the work you have been doing with marketing. They will be forced to pretend that they are interested, which makes your day that little bit more interesting. Make people give you their opinions on the new branding for the company website, even though you are in a compliance meeting. Give them jobs to do that have nothing to do with them – this will show if they really care about the company.